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I don't want to add god's longest addition to the would you survive an apocalypse?' poll, but I do actually have an absolutely fallproof plan for the zombie apocalypse. It doesn’t matter what kind of zombies there are & it has exactly (2) steps:
1. Drive to the nearest National Trust proparty
2. win
This is the result of a very lengthy (and completely serious) discussion with my sister so let me break it down for you.
Benefit 1: EVERYTHING'S THERE
For those of you who don't live in the UK (or don't have parents with exactly 1 idea for a family trip ever), all National Trust proparties are broadly speaking exactly the same.
There's a big rich person's house & the courtyard is always converted into a little picnic area containing a combination gift shop/booking desk; a cafe and a secondhand bookshop. The gift shop has like a 60% chances to contain basic gardening tools and a little section for seeds & bulbs.
I won't list their standardised cafe menu (that I do in fact have memorised), but it's pretty good & more importantly most of it is made or at least finished on site. If they rationed, a small group could live off National Trust cornish pasties, scones & gift shop fudge for a month or two I think <3
Here's a list of things that are might be there but aren't 100% guaranteed:
- Kitchen garden
- Fish pond
- Livestock (usually chickens, sometimes pigs or bees)
- Medieval armour (fuck ya'll with guns but I would take a pike over having to worry about ammunition any day)
- Horses and functioning stable
- Forests cultivated for the purpose of deer hunting
John McRichman's gun/archery collection
- Lake
Benefit 2: FUCKING!! CASTLE!!
??? Where do I start???
1. These things are so easy to defend it's laughable.
I'm sure we all know about spiral staircases being designed to maximise cover for a right handed person during sieges but it's more than that ??? 18th century rich people loved to make their estates look as big, impressive & isolated as possible & they did this by surrounded their houses on all sides with several hundred metres of flat, open grass with thick trees on the edges to block out the horizon.
- Nothing can see you
- No loud noises will be within earshot of anything close to civilisation
- Any zombies that DO somehow show up can be picked off at a distance whether they know how to run or not
- Litterally there are so many little towers & secret rooms & shit how do you even manage to fuck up enough to die here like I would actually be impressed
- ALSO the edge of the estate is usually also walled off and/or fenced & gated, so there's no chance of anything wandering in by accident
2. All the older infrastructure is designed pre-electricity so you'll still be able to have a shower when the power grid inevitably explodes or something
3. You get to sleep in one of those huge 4-poster beds with all the fun embroidery and silk pillows
4. Idk the massive lawn can be converted into a farm if the apocalypse goes on long enough
Genuinely I think my quality of life would actually improve?? and that's just with what's already there - if there was time to pick up some supplies beforehand me & my buddies would just be hanging out. literally what apocalypse im eating scones xoxo
also before anyone whines about other survivors ruining it the employees there are SO nice to me but also as retail workers they possess an innate ability to Kill so i think it'd be fine actually :)
who the fuck is this man im seeing him everywhere
its bigfoot. and i doubt youre seeing him everywhere since his kind are endangered.
its still really funny that wildbow said rachel is straight. no she’s not man. look at her. like you’re just objectively wrong. sorry dude. no she’s not
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